Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Ain't Talkin' Bout Love

I knew it would be a fun day because I was still suffering from the happy feeling of last night's drinking party with my goldfish. The cool mountain air from the nearby Nasu mountain range wafted down at about a thousand miles-an-hour and tried unsuccessfully to move my highly gelled hair.

The old man who was to drive me to school was, of course, driving a top-of-the-line white car. White cars, as I may have mentioned once or 20 times previously, are the most famous type of car in all of Japan.

Anyhow, I got in, said my usual Ohio gozaimasu (Top of the morning, boy-o) and got a nod in return.

I then asked him Okenki desu ka (How's it going, eh?) and got another nod.

We then drove off never to speak to each other again until we arrived at his school 20 minutes later when I said Domo arigato gozaimasu (thank-you very much, Mr. Roboto). He gave me another nod.

It was a heinous nightmare of a car ride, too, because he liked the heat in his car to be equatorial. But, on the plus side, he did thoughtfully turn off his car radio so we could hear our silence more clearly.

Oh well. School. As I walk through the front doors by myself (where did Nod-san get to?) I was accosted by a male student who asks me if I "like sex", and do I "have a big pen-is?" Now even though I'm from Canada, and am pretty open-minded, it's not the type of question I feel like giving a 15-year-old boy. Now if a girl would only ask...

Still, this was one of the schools where I had previously dated one of the teachers for a few hours. Not that we actually dated or went out, more like I made a pass at and had it reciprocated so that we both accidentally on purpose ended up in a school washroom and no, I don't know where your sock is, but what's your name anyways?

And like clockwork, there she was. She walked up to me and kissed me on the lips saying "herro" (konichi-wa) and grabbed what the Japanese call my hip-pu (aka, my ass). This started a chorus of "eeeeeeeee's" (pronounced ehhhhhhhhhhhh?) from the gathering of students that magically appeared for that personal moment. Naturally, more English questions ensued from meandering students, like "What do you like positions?"

And though a very crappy television show, I was indeed saved by the bell, allowing me the opportunity to slip away to my first period English class. Entering, I slumped against a pillar so that I could look cool. That was pretty easy, because everyone had correctly guessed that I had boffed the girl's Phys Ed. teacher.

The class began working on the question "Where is/are your ...?" and the appropriate answer - the nod. Actually it's "The  ... is/are in/on/under/on top of the ...:

My job was to hold up a card depicting an object in a room. The first card I held up had three baseballs under a table.

Sweet, demur little 15-year-old girl ichi-ban (number one) stands up and asks: "Andrew, where are your balls?"

You can't make this stuff up, people. If there was a TV camera there, I would have turned to look directly into it and smirk before turning back to the girl and answering politely.

Unfortunately, there was no TV camera present, so I began laughing. Loudly.

Regaining my composure (but not my dignity), I held up the second picture - this one of a clock on top of a desk. Sweet, demur little 15-year-old girl ni-ban (number two) stands up and asks: "Andrew, where is your cock?"

Not even looking for a TV camera I began howling with laughter as I dropped to the floor in an exaggerated attempt to ensure everyone realized I found something she said funny. Apparently no one else got it, though. Regardless, I laughed long and hard, as I realized I got my wish - the one I made up in paragraph six of this blog entry.

Anyhow, with me unable to stop laughing, I was sent home as it was suspected that the tea I had thrust into my hand upon entering the school (I left that out to avoid explaining how it occurred... okay, anyone entering a home or place as a guest is immediately given ocha (green tea) served by as many females as possible) was the dregs of tea can usually reserved for the female teachers, and thus, somewhat "off" .

Somewhere realizing that was the best school ever,
Andrew Joseph
PS: Every once in a while that Phys Ed. teacher would drop by to make sure I was swell. Oh, and the title is by Van Halen. Nod if you knew that.

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